How a Psoriasis Taught Me that I am Beautiful.

The subsequent ramblings that you are about to read are the outcome of my realization that I am technically lumped into the group of traditionally 'ugly people' on the account that I have a skin disease.

I was surprised by this discovery when I read a critique of some viral video on facebook by some internet stranger. Her opinion was that the video was not diverse enough, mostly caucasian, english speaking individuals-- also, they were all beautiful. The producers 'should have included people who aren't beautiful, like someone with a skin disease'.

This was strangely impactful.

But...

...I have a skin disease.

Therefore, I shan't be one of the beautiful, but one of the ugly (who are of course included in films to ensure the diversity quota is met). The mere fact that I was surprised to discover I was ugly, is a reason to celebrate in itself. Because it implied that I didn't believe it to be true. Which is a big deal for me, let me explain:

I first developed psoriasis when I was 13, which is probably the worst time ever (not that there is really a great time to get it). Puberty is hard enough, weird drifting fat deposits, realizing that you kind of stink, not being able to keep track of the whereabouts of your joints (has this doorframe always been here?), not to mention the routine outpour of blood that you are told to just 'get use to' (as if it were no cause of alarm!). It's not a girl's favourite time, to say the least. Add to all that trauma, patches of discoloured skin all over your body that periodically tear off. Then go to a brand new middle school and try to make friends.

(I made friends.)

People are always losing skin. You are losing skin right now. It takes your body about a month for your skin to go through its growth cycle: it grows, then dies, and then typically falls on the floor. What your body need about 30 days to complete, mine can do in 3. Tops. I basically have SUPER HUMAN skin growing capability. Which would be super handy if I was short on skin, but, as it turns out-- I never am. (This is a VERY simplistic description of psoriasis, if you want to know more I have provided a link to everyone's favourite internet guru Wikipedia or if you want to understand what you are reading, just look at this GREAT COMIC.)

Psorasis isn't just a fun cycle of growing and molting like the common snake, it can be quite painful, it comes with its own special forms of other diseases (like arthritis! Yipee!); there is no one cause, and no one cure for it!


Worse than those however, is that psoriasis leaves us feeling humiliated and ugly. Today, I googled around regarding psoriasis... Psoriasis has been dubbed "The enemy of your beauty", articles online discuss the 'heartbreak of psoriasis'. I would argue, that the fight to get rid of this 'ugly stain' is far worse than the symptoms themselves-- negatively impacting not only our physical bodies, but our mental & emotional health as well.


I definitely struggled with this. I got bullied a fair amount, insulted about being scruffy or dirty, or being reptilian. I tried pretty much everything a doctor could suggest to get rid of it, I spent my mornings at the hospital getting ultra-violet radiation therapy all through high school. It didn't clear up my spots, but it did give me burns on the rest of my body. I used so much topical steroids that it shut down my hormone production (as it turns out, you need those). So there I was, a scaly, burnt, hormone deficient, young woman dressed from head to toe in the middle of summer, struggling to hide her skin. People would always give me advice about how they figured it could be fixed, or people would offer to pray for healing for me. These were all kind, innocent gestures, but to me they screamed the lie that I already held in my heart, that my skin was ugly and needed to be fixed.

I remember the day that I decided I didn't care anymore. I was at university, and I literally just woke one day and didn't want to hide my skin anymore.  I was tired of being too warm, too itchy, too paranoid. I figured that I had a lot more to offer the world than just my blemished spotty skin.

Maybe, there is more to beauty than perfect skin. (we all know this, but i wonder how many actually believe it)

That inner beauty that everyone talks about: I am intelligent, well-spoken, honest, caring, and pretty darn hilarious. However, my 'ugly mindset' didn't let go quite that easily. While I was able to accept that it was likely that I was beautiful on the inside, I wasn't able to let go of the notion that I was pretty ugly on the outside. "But hey, your wit and charm will surely outshine your spots!" it told me. And I believed it.

I believed this misconstrued version of truth and the false confidence it gave me, for 5 years. Until I had an overwhelming sense of relief after a breakup, because I felt I no longer had to try to 'trick' or prove to my boyfriend that I was pretty. "Wait. What? This means I believe that I am ugly". This was a devastating discovery.

It was then I realized the difference between 'being beautiful despite psoriasis' and 'being beautiful with psoriasis".

check out those spots! 

Psoriasis is something that will likely follow me my whole life. Seeing as I can't change my skin, the only thing I can really do about it is change my perspective. I needed to redefine beauty for myself.

Of course, it has liberated me from some of my obsession and self-loathing, but its definitely something I have to remind myself of daily, thought patterns I have to intentionally interrupt, advertisements that I have to acknowledge as lies. This new habit, has extended past my skin, also impacting the other parts of my appearance that I haven't considered to be beautiful. 

I still have bad days, where I pull at my sleeves to cover it from strangers or days I want to scrape my skin with a fork and cover it in concealer. But those days are less and less, as I become comfortable in my own skin, literally. Some days I look down at the intricate pattern that is laid out on my arms and legs, tracing my figure through the unaffected areas like a maze. Some days I forget its there. Sometimes I imagine the spots are a delicate ivory map of some undiscovered land (maybe middle earth!).

Some people spend their entire lives chasing beauty-- your desire for shiny hair, clear & ageless skin, thigh gaps, or straight teeth is the exact same as my obsession with my psoriasis. Beauty has become some weird fathom that is constantly slipping through our grasp, one that distracts us from the beauty that is actually in us and all around us. We believe the same lie, that you aren't beautiful-- but that you could be. (and you can buy it!) 

Psoriasis put its stubborn flakey self in my face and refused to budge (and I can't buy a solution)-- and it taught me that the reality is that I am different in this way, and maybe, just maybe, that doesn't make me ugly. The reality is you are different in some way. But different is actually really beautiful. People always say that, but now I am actually starting to feel it.

So stop chasing the fathom and take a good hard look at yourself. Breaking your habit of picking yourself apart and comparing yourself to others is going to be very tricky, after all, we were raised to think this way (for generations!). But stick to it and you will be surprised to discover that you are pretty damn gorgeous. You will also begin to see beauty everywhere you look, and in everyone you meet.

Beauty... is just beauty. Diversity is beautiful. People are simply beautiful. The world is so beautiful.
It's time we open our eyes and take it all in.